10 Random Hook Crits--An Early Post

If one of your emotions came to life, how would you control him? What if right now your passion for books and reading were at home in the
form of a fairy-like little fellow smoking a clay pipe, and he was tearing into your unread manuscripts screaming bloody murder about objective correlatives, how would you keep him from causing trouble with your clients?

In my contemporary fantasy novel, Wotz, the reader is shown how our modern day world has been keeping secrets from us in the form of
personified emotions run amuck. It is a story of how a jaded crime scene cleaner comes to terms with his deepest self when he inherits an old family mansion and becomes host to a group of secretive creatures he must protect from a covetous relative, as well as a predatory creature who leaves torn bird wings as his calling card.

Wotz begins when Arthur Brigande inherits a Victorian mansion in New England that has for a hundred years been wrapped up in family and local myth. He learns his reclusive Great Aunt Patricia has been hosting a group of creatures there called wotz, who come to life through human emotions and have lived with his family for generations. Upon accepting his inheritance Arthur must accustom himself to these creatures who take naps in the chandelier, chomp cigars while cooking, or sneak off to speed through town in his vintage Mercedes. Faced with this new responsibility, Arthur must contend with a distant cousin who wants the wotz for himself, while deflecting attention from some of the small town’s nosier citizens, as well as keeping guard against a dark avian beast obsessed with destroying them all.

NOTES:

Conceptually, this one is interesting. The hook aspect of the entry is a bit lost in a favor of a summary. The questions at the start had promise, but they are standing apart from the rest. They're too abstract. It’s the final two sentences that engaged my interest. The earlier paragraphs evoked more of an objective intellectual interest. The final sentences made me think fun. I believe there’s something here, but I might suggest restructuring the presentation to get a reader’s attention sooner.

The dead can't lie. That's the only true thing Shelby Guilfoyle knows. Everything else is conspiracy, lies, and shadow dancing. Shelby's gift
– and the reason the Council of Five recruited her – is the ability to speak with the recently deceased. It's also the reason they've hunted her down four years after she defected from the covert group. The Council promises her amnesty if she'll retrieve an important device from Jocelyn Dupree, a scientist who worked for the Council. Shelby is, typically, skeptical of the offer, and it isn't until the Council promises her answers regarding the deaths of her parents – an event for which Shelby has always blamed herself – that she agrees to the Council's plans.

When Shelby locates Jocelyn, the first thing that strikes her is that Jocelyn isn't dead. Shelby's job is usually getting the information the Council's targets thought they'd take to their graves. She discovers that Jocelyn never worked for the Council, and that they want a machine Jocelyn invented. Shelby again defies the Council by agreeing to help Jocelyn bring the device to the public's attention, a job made harder by the Council's agents, led by a man Shelby used to think she loved, sent to see both women dead. Shelby knows that the only way to get her life and Jocelyn's life back is to confront the man behind the Council of Five: Shelby's step-father – known only by the code name "Angel" – the man who killed Shelby's mother – and father in the process – who wants nothing more than to have Shelby back working for the Council.

NOTES:
The Good: Excellent start, killer first sentence. Unfortunately, we go downhill from there.

The Bad: this is not a hook. It's a brief synopsis. And a confusing
synopsis at that. Sometimes it's better to leave some details out.
Because each sentence is so complex and so packed with seemingly irrelevant information, the hook fails to showcase the author in best light.

Suggestions: Because agents and editors sometimes look at dozens of hooks a day, having a confusing hook is a death sentence. I would advise hitting major points: What makes this world unique and interesting? Who is the protagonist? What does she want? Why should we care? Who wants to stop her?

Verdict: Pass.

Recipe for Disaster, New York City style:

 Take one seriously toned single girl. Add a pinch of “please-God-just-kill-me-now” blind dates, a nefarious Twinkie thief, and some kick-butt vigilante justice under the cover of darkness. Mix in two handsome men: a human cop who should be off-limits and a non-human warrior who cannot be trusted. Blend violently with a killer skilled in mind-control and focused on destroying New York City . Put on a pair of Manolo Blahniks, your best little red dress, and slam it down.

Alexa Tate isn’t human. She calls herself Other. She can swim underwater without holding her breath, outrun a New York City taxicab, and scale a brick building in five seconds flat. A receptionist by day, she uses her skills to hunt down evil under the cover of night. She is stronger, faster, and more lethal than anyone she’s ever met.

Until now.

Two Others have come to town.  One wants to destroy Alexa. One says he wants to save her.

Alexa believes in saving herself. 

To do so, she must uncover the truth about her birthright, keep a certain handsome cop from suspecting her of crimes she may have committed, and hunt down the Others one by one.

Living in New York City can be murder.

NOTES:

The presentation & voice both snag my interest.  The first paragraph is effective as an “eye-catching strategy.”  The following paragraphs give overview & utilize pauses for tension to escalate.  I like what it could indicate about the writing.

In re: plot, the story seems to have a strong MC who isn’t one of the “usual suspects” in paranormal/UF novels, a romantic thread/triangle, and good potential for action.  I’d like to read more of this one.  If I saw this out in the ether, I'd email my agent & tell her to check it out.

Send 5 pages to us, #45. You're moving forward to the next round!

YA Novel

 Emma Arnett wrote a book. Well, Emelia Chase wrote a book, but really it was Emma Arnett. And no one can know that Emma is Emelia. Why? Because Autumnal Desires, the newest bodice ripper from Bliss Publications, is not really the kind of thing that Emma's AP English  teacher would appreciate. But now the book is starting to climb the  bestseller list, and her friends are starting to read it. And before  she knows it, Emma's book is going down in flames, literally, as her mother teams with the librarians to wage a war on indecency and bans
 her own daughter's book. Not that she knows her daughter wrote it. But a pseudonym can only stay a pseudonym for so long when the media is  starting to pay attention. When your mother thinks your wildly popular  book is smut, your teachers are banning and burning it left and right,  and you need to study for chemistry, what in the hell is a girl  supposed to do?

Good: Clear and competent writing, excellent focus on main conflict.

Bad:  This is one of those mysterious "Didn't Grab" hooks.  There is nothing technically wrong with it.  Unfortunately, there is nothing exceptionally good about it either.  Hundreds of bodice rippers are on
the shelves every day, yet there are very few book burnings.   There
must be something very special about this book to prompt such a severe reaction.  But the hook doesn't even hint at what it is.  Same with the heroine: Emma must be one special girl to have written such a book, but again the hook doesn't tell why.

Suggestions:  What makes this work unique and unlike anything else out there?  If the author showed a little more passion and let the book's personality shine through, perhaps the verdict would be different.

Verdict: Pass

Cabe, a brash, illiterate 17 year old, has just been conscripted into a troop of rangers. They hunt a terrorist in a fantasy world that doesn't yet know the word "terrorist": the renegade elf, Westwater Greeneyes. Desperate for adventure and glory, Cabe gladly leaves his small town behind. He finds the adventure he seeks, but experiences tragedy along the way when he finds victims of Westwater's followers closer to home than he had ever expected.

To make matters worse, the rangers who Cabe fights alongside do not share the values that Cabe so firmly believes in. He is torn between admiring and reviling his companions, who violate the Teachings but yet are courageous and skilled. The rangers use poison, visit prostitutes, and once even resort to torture, or so Cabe suspects. He struggles to maintain his sense of honor in the face of all this as he heads toward the final, violent confrontation with Westwater where Cabe must decide if killing his enemy the honorable way, as opposed to his fellow rangers' plan, is worth risking his life.

 
NOTES:

The second sentence is confusing.  By structure the information after the colon is to be the world not the terrorist.  This hook doesn’t offer a voice or tension.  It offers a plot, characters, & that the MC struggles with issues of identity and honor.  All of these might be executed well in text, but your hook doesn’t show this. Capture the reader. Show us your voice.

Lizzie Greene was dropped on her head by her mother. That's why she's never lived up to her potential.

 Bankrupt, divorced and homeless, Lizzie moves in with her sister Gina (the daughter who DOES live up to her potential) to help care for their senile father.

 Lizzie is trying to get her life together without losing her mind or her new job, when her client Ralph, tells her about a theft he witnessed and asks for her help. Lizzie reluctantly agrees. It's not like Ralph can go to the cops…he's a miniature schnauzer.

 Pretending to be a psychic with information about the case, Lizzie inserts herself into the investigation, arousing the suspicions (and temper) of Detective Ryan Post. Lizzie of course is not a psychic. She's a witch, albeit an extraordinarily inept one (that whole dropped on her head/potential thing). Her only real talent is her ability to communicate with animals.

 When the clues (supplied by neighborhood pets) Lizzie "senses" start adding up, cynical Detective Post finds himself relying on the psychic/pet sitter to help solve the case and catch a ring of thieves, but when her sister disappears and her father's addled ramblings start to make sense Lizzie starts to worry that the crimes are being committed by a group of rogue Magic Makers.

Investigating her sister's disappearance with the detective (while trying to prevent him from finding out that magic exists) Lizzie realizes she's stumbled onto a plan to shift the balance of magical power in the world and that there's little time to stop it.

Lizzie must team up with her feeble-minded dad, the skeptical (but sexy) human detective and a pack of domesticated pets to rescue her sister, thwart the plan and save the world.

She'd like to do it on a good hair day....

 
Mystery/Thriller

NOTES:

I think there’s a bit too much going on here which leads to the plot sounding more convoluted than perhaps it is.  In terms of the hook, I wasn’t sure if the “dropped on her head” bit was to be funny or serious. As I continued on, I couldn’t determine what the tone was intended to be. On one hand, some facts seem light (dropped or her head, her informant being a dog), but on the other hand some facts seem more serious (ailing father, kidnapped sister).  I think a clarity of tone is the best recommendation—whether it’s in the hook or the plot, I’m not sure. 

Mags Jennings is a veterinarian trapped on her family farm because of an alien invasion. The slave-making aliens destroyed all of Earth's
national governments and most of the infrastructure. Because they also  shoot all road traffic from low orbit, the Malgorab have trapped Mags'  brother and his family on the same farm. The only thing the Jennings  family can do is revert to frontier living and hope for the best.  Now  the Malgorab have really ticked Mags off. One of their lost pets  showed up at the Jennings farm like an abandoned dog. Now, the alien  Big-Ass Worm, BAW for short, is making their life a lot harder than it needs to be.

 Like Earth's abused canines, the alien pet doesn't trust strangers.  Unlike dogs, this particular alien is an armored worm the size of
 three semis parked end to end. It's also intelligent, has a plan to overthrow the Malgorab, and is searching for an ally on a strange  world. However, the alien "dog" can't communicate on Human and Malgorab vocal frequencies. It does see on the same light frequencies.  The BAW takes exception to the penned up animals -- dogs and chickens -- and tries to liberate its "fellow slaves" with mixed results.
"Obedience Training" is a first contact story where an alien  "animal" with a mission meets a stubborn veterinarian-cum-farmer who  just wants to be left alone to do what she does best -- training stray dogs.

NOTES:

Good:  Unique.  Nothing quite like it out there.  The idea of an alien pet harassing a farm in an effort to liberate animals is intriguing.

Bad:  This hook has some issues.  Unfortunately, if an alien invasion devastated most of the Earth, the problem of a pesky alien pet would seem very small by comparison to larger issues, such as world famine, lack of basic necessary goods, such as clothes, medicine, gas, and so
on, and world-wide slavery.   A great tragedy has just occurred.
Millions have died.  The hook fails to acknowledge it, treating this tragedy in a somewhat campy manner.  Is there resistance?  What do the aliens really want?  How can the characters overthrow the aliens?
These are the questions that immediately spring to mind.  The matter of a very large worm seems trivial by comparison.

Verdict: Pass.