Log in

No account? Create an account

Previous Entry | Next Entry

Revised hooks

In response suggestions from several enthusiastic contest participants, Fangs Fur and Fey will be hosting an open REVISED HOOK post. Details are: anyone who entered in the Hook contest can post their revised hooks in the comments section here, showing their old hook and it's new improved version based on the judges/other people's comments. ALL watchers - and members! - are then invited to comment on the revised hooks. 

Note: Members and Watchers are invited to comment. No one is required to. We had our official Hook contest and this is just a way for those interested to follow up. There is no prize except receiving voluntary feedback. This doesn't mean people who improved the most will be advancing into the Pages round of our current contest. In short - this is just for educational fun.
The same no-flaming rules apply.

-Jeaniene Frost


Apr. 27th, 2007 04:18 pm (UTC)
Re: Revised hook #129
Oh, wow. Much, much better. Feels like the mood in "The Stand," which is a good thing. If you don't mind some minor editing suggestions (I can't help myself):

2nd line: "...but doing so is becoming increasingly difficult even in his isolated riverside home."

2nd line of second paragraph: delete "that"--unnecessary

I think saying the grey men are "becoming" more aggressive and violent is more forceful.

4th line of 2nd paragraph: Does it only "seem" only they have the strength? If not, don't use "seem." Be sure of yourself and your characters.

No comma necessary in that final line.

Good luck. This is definitely a book I'd pick up.
Apr. 27th, 2007 04:30 pm (UTC)
Re: Revised hook #129
Great suggestions! Thanks so much for that, and for the positive comments--I'm really relieved that this is a solid improvement. It can be hard to tell when it's your own writing. I took all your suggestions, which makes the fully-revised version read as so:

Ever since his wife was murdered two years before, Darrell Williams has cared only about keeping his four-year old daughter safe, but doing so is becoming increasingly difficult even in his isolated riverside home. Nine years have passed since civilization ended at the hands of the undead grey men, and while most of the scattered remaining humans have settled into a routine of bare survival in small towns, the order of Darrell’s life never quite recovered. When everyone else in the town near his home is killed in an unexpected attack by the grey men, he and his daughter flee to Alden Ridge, where they are welcomed because Darrell was once a doctor.

Together with Elaine Ward and the other few inhabitants of an old factory on the outskirts of town, Darrell hopes he can finally create a good life for his daughter. But even in Alden Ridge, the grey men are becoming more aggressive and violent, and it is clear that the town will soon fall. Most of the survivors are deeply scarred by a decade of fear and death, and only Darrell and Elaine still have any strength to resist their apparent fate. The situation deteriorates even further when two men claiming to be military scouts arrive in town—they say theirs is a mission of aid, but Darrell believes they’re also connected to the men who murdered his wife. Darrell and Elaine’s only hope of saving Alden Ridge is to somehow discover the secrets behind the rise of the grey men and the fall of the modern world.
Apr. 27th, 2007 04:48 pm (UTC)
Re: Revised hook #129
Glad I could help. I read the beginning pages of this story on your website and have to say your hook's tone is true to your book's tone, so I'm relieved to see you're consistent. I like the creepy but sterile feel of it all, which is what I meant by comparing the tone to "The Stand." You've managed the post-apocalyptic mood quite well. Good luck as you continue with this.
Apr. 27th, 2007 05:05 pm (UTC)
Re: Revised hook #129
Thanks! That's good to hear. I actually just did read THE STAND late last year, actually, so I know just what you're talking about. I'm glad that I am creating a similar mood in the opening pages; I think that sort of feeling is necessary to most post apocalyptic tales, though I like to think the similarities to THE STAND end there (nothing against King’s book; I just don’t fancy myself imitating others). Thanks again for the feedback, and for taking the time to look at my opening pages. It’s a real relief to hear that I’m getting better at this hook writing stuff.



fur, fey, fangs
Fangs, Fur, & Fey

Latest Month

July 2011

Page Summary








Powered by LiveJournal.com
Designed by chasethestars