Log in

No account? Create an account

Previous Entry | Next Entry

Revised hooks

In response suggestions from several enthusiastic contest participants, Fangs Fur and Fey will be hosting an open REVISED HOOK post. Details are: anyone who entered in the Hook contest can post their revised hooks in the comments section here, showing their old hook and it's new improved version based on the judges/other people's comments. ALL watchers - and members! - are then invited to comment on the revised hooks. 

Note: Members and Watchers are invited to comment. No one is required to. We had our official Hook contest and this is just a way for those interested to follow up. There is no prize except receiving voluntary feedback. This doesn't mean people who improved the most will be advancing into the Pages round of our current contest. In short - this is just for educational fun.
The same no-flaming rules apply.

-Jeaniene Frost


Apr. 28th, 2007 03:15 am (UTC)
Re: Revised hook #129
I like your hook, and the story sounds like something I would definitely pick up and read. I like the creepy atmosphere. I just have a few questions:

At first I had the feeling that the undead grey men had destroyed the world then disappeared/died/left, but this implied that they're still around. In that case, why is the attack unexpected?

"Even in Alden Ridge, the grey men are starting to act more aggressive" - why "even in Alden Ridge"? Is there something about this place that normally makes them less aggressive? Are the grey men living amongst regular people?

"connected to the me who murdered his wife" - did the grey men murder his wife, or was it a human?

But again, this is a really good hook, and I like the premise of your story a lot. I definitely want to know more about the grey men. If you can just clarify these few things, I think that would help a lot.

Good luck with it!
Apr. 28th, 2007 01:01 pm (UTC)
Another new version
Thanks for the great suggestions! These were some really great things that you picked up on that I had not noticed at all, but you were right--those bits were definitely unclear.

Here's a revised version based on your comments:

Ever since his wife was murdered two years before, Darrell Williams has cared only about keeping his four-year old daughter safe, but doing so is becoming increasingly difficult even in his isolated riverside home. Nine years have passed since the undead grey men first appeared and ended civilization, and while most of the scattered remaining humans have settled into a routine of bare survival in small towns, the order of Darrell’s life never quite recovered. When everyone else in the town near his home is killed in an unexpectedly coordinated attack by the grey men, he and his daughter flee to Alden Ridge, where they are welcomed because Darrell was once a doctor.

Together with Elaine Ward and the other few inhabitants of an old factory on the outskirts of town, Darrell hopes he can finally create a good life for his daughter. But the grey men in the wilderness around Alden Ridge are becoming more aggressive and violent, and it is clear that the town will soon fall. Most of the survivors are deeply scarred by a decade of fear and death, and only Darrell and Elaine still have any strength to resist their apparent fate. The situation deteriorates even further when two men claiming to be military scouts arrive in town—they say theirs is a mission of aid, but Darrell believes they are also connected to his wife’s murder. Darrell and Elaine’s only hope of saving Alden Ridge is to somehow discover the secrets behind the rise of the grey men and the fall of the modern world.

Thanks again for your support, as well as your great suggestions!

Apr. 28th, 2007 05:14 pm (UTC)
Re: Another new version
I really like this now. It's clearer what's going on. No other suggestions. I hope this gets picked up, because I'd really like to read this book. Best of luck!

PS - if you happen to get a chance to read my revised hook(#168), I'd really appreciate it.
Apr. 28th, 2007 08:48 pm (UTC)
Re: Another new version
Thanks a lot! And, I was happy to make comments for your hook; it's also quite good. Thanks for pointing me over to it.



fur, fey, fangs
Fangs, Fur, & Fey

Latest Month

July 2011








Powered by LiveJournal.com
Designed by chasethestars